Holiday Q&A: What do I do if someone comments on my weight gain?

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Christmas tree with white lights is in the background. The foreground of the photo is a wooden table with multicolored Christmas bulbs scattered atop and 2 glasses of wine. The title of the article is written in purple text.

Question

I didn’t see my family last year for the holidays due to COVID. I’ve gained a significant amount of weight since they’ve seen me last. I’m worried about what they might say or think about me. What should I do if someone does say something?

Answer

Let me start by saying, I have so much compassion for anyone feeling this way right now. The last almost 2 years has been hard for many reasons. And a changing body in a world that tells us bodies can’t or shouldn’t change unless, of course, it’s to make them appear smaller and younger, might be one of them. Here are some thoughts on how you might prepare for holiday gatherings amidst changed body worries and concerns.

Send a letter, email, text to your family before you see them stating your needs.

You can share as much, or as little detail as feels comfortable. It could be as simple as, “my body has changed since we last saw each other. This has been hard for me so I’d like to ask for your support. Even if well intentioned, please do not make any comments – positive or negative - about my body.” Or, you may choose to share more about your current food, body, and healing journey. But know that you don’t need to justify your body in this message. You don’t owe anyone and explanation for why your body exists as it does. You have a right to set boundaries around if/how people speak to you about your body.

Create a self-care plan for before, during, and after the experience.

If you are anticipating feeling anxious and stressed before a gathering, think about how you can show yourself some kindness and take care of yourself throughout the day. For example, that might look like:

  • A guided body scan or progressive relaxation meditation before the event begins to help ease anxious nerves,

  • Dressing in clothes that fit, are comfortable on your body, and that you like,

  • Listening to your favorite feel-good music or podcast on the way there,

  • Coming up with a mantra to repeat to yourself when your inner critic starts to get loud during the event, and

  • Unwinding with a hot shower, cozy pajamas, a cup of tea, and a gratitude practice when you arrive home.

Create a plan for what to do if someone does make a comment about your body.

You might find our previous Q&A response for handling holiday diet and body talk helpful. Here are some other options to consider:

  • Let them know that commenting on your body (or anyone else’s body) is not appropriate or appreciated by saying something like, “I know body talk is normalized in our culture, but it’s really not helpful for me so let’s talk about something else.”  

  • If it feels OK, you might share a little more and say, “I am recovering from an eating disorder and body changes are a hard but natural part of that healing process. I’m doing my best to practice acceptance around these changes. But I’d really rather not talk about my body.” Or, “I’m working body acceptance and intuitive eating. It’s been hard and so freeing. I’d be happy to share more if you are interested.”

  • You might model how you are practicing acceptance around body changes by saying something like, “Our bodies have been through a lot this last year and I’m focusing on how grateful I am for it for getting/continuing to get me through this pandemic.”

  • You can neutrally acknowledge the change and move on. “My body has changed and I’m not interested in talking about it.” Or, “My body has changed because that’s what body’s do, they change.”

  • You can also choose not to respond at all by not acknowledging the comment and walking away or immediately hanging the subject.

But again, you don’t owe anyone a justification or an explanation for why your body is what your body is. It’s not any one else’s business. So, when thinking about how to respond, think about what’s going to be most comfortable for you, which doesn’t need to match what you think would be most comfortable for others. You don’t owe others their comfort when they uncomfortable comments about your body.

Identify a support person.

If there is a friend or family member who will be present that you know well, knows you or your story well, or you feel like would be a good ally for you at this event, ask for their support. Before the gathering, tell them your what’s on your mind, what you are worried or concerned about, and how they can support you. That might mean accompanying you on a walk around the block if you are feeling really triggered, intervening to change the subject if they hear someone make unhelpful comments, or getting you out of a conversation with your Uncle Phil who often makes inappropriate or triggering comments.

But, one thing you absolutely do not need to do in anticipation of these family gatherings? Try to change or shrink your body. Your body is good. Your body is worthy. You are deserving of a joyful holiday experience regardless of the size or appearance of the body you are showing up in.